My Husband Doesn’t Know How to Appreciate What I Do
Dear Marriage Advice Today,
I’ve been married for almost 20 years, and I’m in my early 40s while my husband is in his mid-40s. We have two teenage kids and a couple of cats (his idea to adopt, though I love them too). My problem is that my husband doesn’t know how to appreciate what I do.
Last night, I was in tears because I spent the whole day working hard in the backyard, cleaning up all the leaves and pine needles. I even mowed the lawn. When he came outside, I told him about all the work I had done, and he acted as if he couldn’t see that the ground was clean and neat. I also cleaned the inside of his truck, which I usually do for all our vehicles. I asked for his permission first, but he still didn’t appreciate it, saying he never told me to clean it.
It’s always like this. He never appreciates my hard work because I’m a stay-at-home mom, and all his buddies’ wives have nice office jobs. I’m just so tired of this. I feel like leaving, but I don’t know what job would accept me since I’ve never worked since I got married. I can’t talk to my family because we’re not close, and I have no friends. I’m just so very tired mentally and emotionally.
Sincerely, Exhausted and Unappreciated
Dear Exhausted and Unappreciated,
I completely understand how you feel. As someone who has experienced both stay-at-home and working mom roles, I can say that appreciation often feels lacking in both scenarios. It seems like no matter how much we do, the recognition and gratitude just aren’t there.
Men often don’t fully grasp the extent of what we manage daily. When I travel for work and leave my husband with the kids, he doesn’t hold himself to the same standards he expects from me. Instead of adjusting his schedule to work from home, he relies on his mom to help with the kids and skips cooking altogether. I’ll be lucky if he does any laundry while I’m away.
This discrepancy in expectations might stem from how they were raised. It’s a generational issue that will take time to change. As mothers, we need to raise our daughters to expect genuine partnership and our sons to be the kind of partners we wish we had.
I’ve been where you are, and I finally told my husband that if he can’t compliment or appreciate what I do, he also can’t complain about what I don’t do.
As for cleaning his truck, I wouldn’t exhaust myself on tasks he doesn’t appreciate.
Focus on doing things that make you feel good, regardless of his appreciation.
Remember, his love language might not be acts of service. If he prefers quality time, consider doing less “work” and saving your energy to spend with him when he’s home.
Hang in there, and take care of yourself first.
Warm regards,
Ivy, Marriage Advice Today
What To Do When Your Husband Doesn’t Appreciate You
I’ve been there, and it’s tough when your husband doesn’t appreciate all you do. Here’s what helped me:
- Communicate: Sit down and have an honest conversation. Share your feelings without accusing him. Sometimes they just don’t realize the impact.
- Set Boundaries: Let him know that if he can’t appreciate what you do, he also can’t complain about what you don’t do. Focus on tasks for the greater good of the household.
- Self-Care: Prioritize yourself. Do things that make you feel good, whether he notices or not. Your well-being is important.
- Reevaluate Priorities: If acts of service aren’t his love language, shift your energy towards activities that might be more meaningful to both of you, like spending quality time together.
- Seek Support: Connect with friends or join a support group. Sometimes talking to others who understand can provide comfort and new perspectives.
- Express Your Needs: Clearly express what you need from him. Sometimes men respond better to direct requests rather than subtle hints.
