How to Handle the Pain When There’s No Affection in Marriage

For someone like me, who thrives on physical touch as a love language, the lack of affection in marriage can feel like a slow, painful erosion of the very foundation of the relationship. When the hugs, kisses, and tender touches disappear, it’s more than just a void—it’s a deep ache that makes you question everything.

The Reality of Living Without Affection

It’s all too common for affection to fade after marriage, especially once kids enter the picture. Life gets busy, stress piles up, and before you know it, the little gestures that used to make you feel loved and connected are gone.

And let’s be real: when you feel unloved, resentment builds quickly.

For me, physical affection isn’t just a nice addition to a relationship; it’s essential. It’s what sets a romantic relationship apart from every other kind of connection in life. Without it, I start to feel lonely, unloved, and disconnected from my spouse. It’s not just about the touch itself—it’s about the emotional intimacy that touch represents.

Why Does Affection Disappear?

When affection starts to dwindle, it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one craving it, but you’re not. Many couples find that as life’s demands increase, the affection they once had for each other starts to wane. You might find yourself longing for those hugs, kisses, or even just a hand to hold, only to be met with distance or indifference.

But why does it happen? A variety of things can contribute to dwindling or non-existent affection:

• Life’s Demands Take Over: As responsibilities like work, parenting, and household chores increase, couples may unintentionally prioritize these over their relationship.
• Stress and Fatigue: High stress levels and exhaustion can make physical affection feel like another task rather than a source of comfort.
• Routine and Complacency: Over time, couples can fall into routines where affection becomes less frequent, often taking each other’s presence for granted.
• Emotional Distance: Unresolved conflicts create walls, making physical closeness feel forced or unnatural.
• Differing Love Languages: If one partner expresses love differently, the other might not recognize their actions as affectionate, leading to feelings of neglect.
• Personal Insecurities: One partner may withdraw from affection if they’re feeling insecure about themselves or the relationship.
• Health & Hormones: Depression, anxiety, chronic illness, and even hormonal shifts like perimenopause can impact a person’s ability to give or receive affection.

Before assuming they’ve stopped caring, consider what might be going on beneath the surface.

The Danger of Begging for Affection

Let’s get one thing straight—asking, begging, or even joking about needing more affection almost never works. Trust me, I’ve been there. You might think that pointing out the lack of affection will spark some kind of change, but in reality, it usually does the opposite.

Even if they do make an effort after you’ve brought it up, it can feel forced—like a chore they’re checking off a list. And there’s nothing worse than a hug that feels like an obligation.

Instead of pushing, step back and look at the bigger picture.

• Is your partner dealing with stress, work pressure, or emotional struggles?
• Do they feel unappreciated or unseen in ways that might be making them withdraw?
• Are they expressing love in ways you’re overlooking?

Before assuming they’ve stopped caring, consider what might be going on beneath the surface.

Breaking the Cycle of No Affection

Here’s the hard truth: you can’t force someone to be affectionate. The more you try to control it, the more they might pull away. It’s a vicious cycle—one partner withdraws because they’re not getting affection, the other pulls back because they feel pressured, and before you know it, the connection feels almost irreparably lost.

So, how do you break the cycle?

1. Start with Self-Reflection

• Are you affectionate toward your spouse, or have you also withdrawn in response?
• Have you unintentionally created emotional distance through criticism, stress, or lack of appreciation?
• Are you giving love in a way they actually receive it?

The goal isn’t self-blame—it’s self-awareness. Understanding your own role in the dynamic gives you power to shift it.

2. Learn Their Love Language

• If they’re not big on physical touch, how do they express love?
• Are they showing affection through acts of service, words of affirmation, or quality time?
• If they are affectionate but in a different way, how can you bridge the gap?

3. Create Moments for Connection

Instead of demanding affection, foster it organically.

• Touch without expectation. A gentle touch on the shoulder, a lingering hug before bed—without expecting more.
• Make time for fun. Laughing together, sharing inside jokes, and reducing stress naturally bring back physical closeness.
• Appreciate the affection they do show. Instead of focusing on what’s missing, reinforce the good—”I love when you hold my hand like that.”

4. Talk About It—The Right Way

If affection is truly lacking and it’s hurting you, it’s okay to address it—but do it wisely.

Instead of:
🚫 “You never touch me anymore. Do you even love me?”

Try:
✅ “I miss being close to you. Can we work on making more time for that?”

Focus on your feelings rather than accusations. Let them know it’s about connection, not obligation.

5. Use Gratitude to Reignite Affection

When affection is missing, it’s easy to focus on the void—what you’re not getting, what your partner isn’t doing, and how much it hurts. But shifting your focus to gratitude can create an environment where affection naturally returns.

Here’s why gratitude works:

• It shifts your mindset from resentment to appreciation, making interactions feel lighter.
• It helps you recognize that your partner may be showing love in other ways you hadn’t noticed.
• Gratitude fosters emotional warmth—which, in turn, encourages physical closeness.

Try this:

• Instead of thinking “He never hugs me anymore,” ask yourself, “What are the ways he does show love?”
• Say thank you for things you might normally take for granted, like working hard for the family, helping with the kids, or making coffee in the morning.
• Start a gratitude practice in your marriage: Each night, name one thing you appreciate about each other before bed.

When your spouse feels valued and not just criticized for what’s missing, they’re far more likely to open up to affection again. Affection thrives in an environment of appreciation, and when you focus on what’s good, the connection you crave becomes much easier to restore.

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6. Take Care of Yourself

This isn’t about “glowing up” to win back their affection—it’s about making yourself feel good.

• Prioritize your own happiness—whether that’s through hobbies, self-care, or friendships.
• Confidence is attractive. When you feel good, you naturally draw your partner back in rather than repelling them with resentment.
• Don’t let your emotional well-being depend entirely on them.

The Bottom Line

Lack of affection in marriage is painful, especially for someone who needs that physical connection to feel loved. But begging for it won’t help.

Instead, shift your focus:

• Work on your own happiness and energy.
• Understand your partner’s emotional state and love language.
• Foster organic connection instead of forcing it.
• Express your needs in a way that invites closeness rather than pressure.

When you do this, affection is far more likely to return naturally. And if it doesn’t? That’s a conversation about compatibility—not just affection.

If you’re struggling with a lack of affection in your marriage, sign up for my newsletter for more insights and support. Let’s navigate this together.