Menopause Destroyed My Marriage

Dear Marriage Advice Today,

I’m a 50-year-old woman who’s been married to my husband for 25 years. We’ve always had a good relationship—at least, we did until menopause hit me like a ton of bricks. Now, I barely recognize myself, and our marriage is hanging by a thread.

I feel like a stranger in my own body. Hot flashes, mood swings, insomnia—you name it, I’ve got it. I used to be the fun, loving wife who always made sure everything ran smoothly at home, but now I’m irritable, exhausted, and constantly snapping at my husband. He says I’ve changed, and he’s not wrong. But he doesn’t understand what I’m going through, and it’s driving us apart.

He’s been distant lately, spending more time at work or with his friends. When he is home, we’re either fighting or avoiding each other. The worst part is that he’s started making snide comments about my appearance, which has taken a huge hit thanks to menopause. I’ve gained weight, my skin’s a mess, and I feel like I’m losing my mind. How can I fix my marriage when I’m struggling to hold myself together?

Sincerely, Losing My Marriage to Menopause

Dear Losing My Marriage to Menopause,

I hear you, and my heart goes out to you. Menopause is a monumental shift, and it can wreak havoc on both your body and your relationships… I know because perimenopause has been a bitch on my marriage too! The changes you’re experiencing are deeply personal, but they’re also something many women go through. Unfortunately, it’s all too common for men to feel confused and disconnected during this time.

Bridge the Understanding Gap

Men often don’t realize how profoundly menopause affects us. They might see the physical changes, but they don’t always grasp the emotional and psychological toll. Your husband’s comments and behavior suggest he’s struggling to understand what you’re going through, and that’s not entirely his fault. Menopause isn’t something that’s widely discussed, especially in a way that men can easily relate to.

It might be helpful to have an open conversation with him about how menopause is impacting you. Try to express your feelings without blaming him. Explain that the changes you’re going through are beyond your control, and that you need his support now more than ever.

I have found it helpful to read as much as I can on perimenopause and menopause and have joined a hormone/menopause support group run by a nurse trained in functional medicine practices. By learning as much as I have about the process of perimenopause and menopause, I’m better able to:

1. Give myself grace for all the changes I’m experiencing.
2. Communicate these changes with my husband.

Focus on Self-Care

Your well-being is crucial, not just for your own sake but for the sake of your marriage. Menopause can make you feel like you’re losing control, so it’s important to find ways to take care of yourself. Whether it’s getting more rest, finding a new exercise routine, or seeking support from other women who understand what you’re going through, prioritizing your own health can help you feel more grounded.

Reignite the Connection

It’s easy to drift apart when you’re going through something as overwhelming as menopause, but this could also be an opportunity to rebuild your connection on a new level. Consider spending more quality time together doing activities you both enjoy. This might not solve everything overnight, but it can help remind you both why you fell in love in the first place.

Seek Professional Help

Don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help if you feel it’s needed. A therapist, especially one who specializes in couples dealing with menopause, can provide valuable guidance and support. Sometimes, having a neutral party mediate the conversation can make it easier to navigate the difficult emotions you’re both experiencing.

If a therapist is out of the question, perhaps find a really good physician that specializes in menopause and who would be willing to explain the process in detail about how these changes affect every aspect of your life. Ask your husband to accompany you to a few of the appointments so that he can get a better idea of these natural, but widely misunderstood changes.

Hold On to Hope

Menopause is a natural, but challenging phase, but it’s just that—a phase. With time, the symptoms will lessen, and you’ll find your new normal. In the meantime, focus on taking care of yourself and fostering open communication with your husband. Your marriage has survived 25 years; with patience and understanding, it can survive this too. It’s possible, but he’s also got to be willing!

Warm regards,
Ivy, Marriage Advice Today

What To Do When Menopause is Straining Your Marriage

Menopause is tough on both you and your marriage. Here are some tips that might help:

1. Communicate Openly: Let your husband know how menopause is affecting you, physically and emotionally. It’s important that he understands this isn’t something you can control.
2. Prioritize Self-Care: Take time for yourself. Your physical and emotional health should be a priority, not an afterthought.
3. Reconnect with Your Spouse: Spend time together without the pressure of solving all your problems. Just being in each other’s company can help reignite the connection.
4. Seek Professional Support: Don’t be afraid to ask for help from a therapist or counselor who understands the complexities of menopause.
5. Focus on the Future: Remember, menopause won’t last forever. Keep your eyes on the future and the life you want to build together post-menopause.

I’ve been in your shoes! Perimenopause was destroying my marriage … I felt tired of being a mom and wife but the prospect of divorce shook me.

I’ve had to learn ways to personalize my self care while also discovering ways to reconnect with my husband.