The Importance of Affection in Marriage

After 15 years of marriage, I’ve learned that affection isn’t just a nice-to-have; it’s essential. When it’s missing, it’s like a slow leak in a tire—at first, you might not notice, but eventually, you’re stuck on the side of the road, wondering how things got so flat.

So, why is affection so important in a marriage? It’s not just about the physical touch—though that’s important too—it’s about feeling connected, secure, and understood. When you and your partner exchange affection, whether it’s a hug, a kind word, or just holding hands, it’s like hitting the “reset” button on your connection. It keeps the love alive and intimacy (not just sexual) strong.

Why Affection Matters In Your Relationship

Affection isn’t just about the warm and fuzzies—it’s a powerhouse for your relationship. It’s what keeps things from getting too mundane or distant. Here’s why affection is vital:

1. Feel-Good Hormones: Affection releases oxytocin, the hormone that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy. It’s the same hormone that helps build trust and deepen your bond, ensuring you both feel connected and secure in the relationship.
2. Stress Relief: Life as a married couple can be stressful—work, kids, finances, and health issues (hello perimenopause!!). A simple touch can lower stress hormones like cortisol, making both of you feel more relaxed and at ease, helping to ease the daily pressures of life.
3. Physical Health: Did you know regular affection can actually lower your blood pressure? So, those kisses and hugs aren’t just for show—they’re good for your heart too. After all, a healthy heart is a happy heart.
4. Relationship Satisfaction: Couples who show affection regularly report higher levels of relationship satisfaction. It’s like the glue that keeps everything together, helping to maintain a sense of closeness and intimacy, even when life gets hectic.

Why Is Showing Affection So Hard Sometimes?

It’s easy to say that affection is important, but what if you’re struggling to show it? Having been through various phases in my own marriage, I know firsthand that life’s challenges can sometimes make it difficult to maintain that connection. Here are some reasons that might be holding you back:

• Anxiety: High levels of anxiety can make it tough to be affectionate. Your mind might be too busy worrying about other things to focus on being close.
• Different Needs: Maybe you just don’t need as much affection as your partner. That’s okay, but it’s something to communicate about to ensure both your needs are met.
• Misconceptions: You might have a different idea of what affection should look like. Maybe you think it’s all about grand gestures, while your partner just wants a quick cuddle on the couch.
• Past Experiences: If you’ve gone through something tough, it might be harder to open up and be affectionate. Addressing these past experiences can help pave the way for a more affectionate future.
• Underlying Issues: Sometimes, a lack of affection can be a sign of something deeper, like a hidden medical or psychological issue. It’s worth exploring if you or your partner are consistently struggling with affection.

Is It Normal to Have Little or No Affection in a Marriage?

“Normal” is a tricky word. Every relationship is different, but a complete lack of affection is usually a red flag. It could mean there’s something else going on—like unresolved conflicts, unmet needs, or even fear of intimacy. From my experience as a tired mom and wife, little or no affection is not only uncommon but also potentially damaging.

Here are some common reasons why affection might be lacking:

• Boundaries: You might have different boundaries when it comes to showing affection. Maybe one of you grew up in a family where affection wasn’t common, and it’s hard to break that habit.
• Comfort Zones: Sometimes, you just get too comfortable. You assume your partner knows you love them, so you stop showing it as much.
• Life’s Distractions: Life gets busy. Work, kids, bills—it’s easy to let affection slide when you’re focused on other things. However, making time for affection is crucial, even in the busiest times.
• Fear of Intimacy: If you’re afraid of getting too close, you might pull back from being affectionate. Understanding and addressing this fear can be a step toward more connection.
• Insecurities: Personal insecurities can make it hard to be vulnerable, and affection requires a level of vulnerability. Building trust and open communication can help overcome these insecurities.

Can Lack of Affection Ruin a Marriage?

In short, yes. Lack of affection can slowly erode your connection, making it harder to feel close or even love each other. If you let it go on for too long, it can lead to bigger problems that are much harder to fix.

But here’s the good news: It’s never too late to turn things around. The first step is recognizing that affection is lacking, and then making a conscious effort to bring it back. Little gestures can go a long way—hold hands, give a compliment, or just spend time together without distractions.

Final Thoughts

Affection is like the fuel in your marriage’s engine—it keeps everything running smoothly. Don’t let the tank run empty. Make a habit of showing affection, even when you’re busy or stressed. It’s those small, everyday moments of connection that keep the love alive.

If you’re feeling disconnected, start by reconnecting through affection.

Join the Conversation: If this resonates with you, I invite you to join my newsletter. Together, we can explore more ways to keep the love alive, one hug at a time.